In the heart and in the head

Okay, so first of all, don't get used to this, because this is probably the ONLY time I will ever post two days in a row. I just wanted to comment on something that I inadvertently neglected to talk about yesterday.

As many of you may (or may not) know, yesterday was National Coming Out Day. While many people immediately associate this with simply "a time for all the gay people to just tell the world how gay they are, it is my understanding that NCOD is actually about much more than that. It's about people being proud of who they are, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, or pretty much anything else that may influence a person's identity. 

Yesterday, in honor of NCOD, my friends and I attended an event at the Cat in the Cream coffeehouse called "Coming Out Stories: An Open Mic Event." I must say, it was possibly the most inspirational thing I have witnessed since arriving at Oberlin. So many people eagerly jumped up on stage in the Cat to tell the story of how they came out: students who identify in dozens of different ways (gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, gender queer, an ally, or even something as basic as a slash fiction writer) coming out to dozens of different people (parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, professors, therapists). Every story was so intensely unique, and yet at the same time managed to communicate a unified message: Regardless of what anyone says, we are who we are and we deserve to be proud of that.

Several people's stories have stuck with me, but I'm only going to share one of them here. One notably brave female student named H told the audience about how she realized she was bisexual in highschool when she fell in love with one of her female friends. The two briefly dated, but it ultimately didn't work out because she was so uncomfortable telling people about their relationship, particularly her conservative Catholic parents. "I still haven't come out to my parents" she said, pulling her cellphone out of her pocket. "However, I thought tonight that could change." She dialed her mother's phone number and it went to voicemail. Within a minute, though, her mom called her back, and we listened to the entire conversation on speakerphone. H told her mom that she is attracted to girls and identifies as bi, and without hesitation, her mother responded "Honey, that's great!" Thunderous applause filled the Cat, and H started to tear up (as did most of the audience). When she expressed how happy and relieved she was at this reaction, her mother actually said "Honey, you're my daughter! I love you no matter what! How could you think, even for a second, that anything would change that?" More thunderous applause. 

Eventually H left the stage to have a more private conversation with her parents, and the night continued. Person after person revealing extremely touching stories of how they realized that they were somehow "different," some telling their loved ones, some not. Some getting enthusiastic, loving responses, some not. Some who didn't even come out at all, but rather had a loved one who came out to them. Several people, while the didn't all make the phone call ONSTAGE like H, announced that they are planning to come out when they return home for fall break (these announcements were met with even more thunderous applause.)

Inspired by all of the truly moving stories, I decided to add my name to the list. I told the story of how my mother came out as a lesbian. She told me when I was in eighth grade that she was in a romantic relationship with an absolutely wonderful woman who, up to this point, I had just assumed was a close friend of hers. She also told me, however, that this needed to be kept quiet because it could complicate her job as a Presbyterian Minister and her role in the local religious community.

Fast forward. Approximately 2 or 3 years later. (I think I was in tenth grade at this point?) My mom had just begun working at a wonderful church near our hometown which she absolutely loves. And everyone there absolutely loves her, of course. However, she'd been working there in a temporary position, and soon her contract will be up for renewal, possibly to make her position permanent (to be voted upon by the congregation). On the way to church one day, she asked me about what I would think about the idea of her coming out to the congregation before they vote on her contract. I essentially told her that, while it is totally her choice, I would definitely be in support of her doing it, because ultimately, whether they decide to accept her or not, she would probably prefer to go through the process as honestly and openly as possible and not feel as though she was hiding anything from them. A few months later, she told the members of the session about it. The first response was from a fairly new member who said something along the lines of "Well, regardless of that, I think I speak for everyone when I say that we absolutely love having you as our pastor, and learning this about you certainly doesn't change that." Almost everyone else on the session said variations on the same idea. She had also sent a letter out to every member of the congregation telling them about it, which was met with several phone calls and emails from people telling her how much they love her and how wonderful of a person she is. There were some people who were less than thrilled about the news. However, when the time came to vote on her contract, there was an overwhelming majority that decided to keep her in the church for several more years (and she is still happily working there today). The ultimate bottom line was that, whether or not they were in support of her sexual orientation, or her relationship, collectively as a group they still loved who she was as a person and as a pastor. And nothing could change that.

From that point on, now that everyone in the church knew, news began to spread gradually to all of the other people to whom she had not yet come out. One of the people on this list was my mothers 89 year old, Republican, Fox News watching, UberCatholic dad. His only reaction: "I surmised as much." I still am not entirely sure exactly how he feels about the whole thing, but he has met my mom's girlfriend several times, and always seems thrilled to see both of them.

At a certain point, as I was telling this story to the audience in the Cat, I realized that I needed to figure out a way to wrap the story up in a way that would get my overall feelings across. This was the point when I began to tear up. "So, that is how my mother came out. And every single day I am completely in awe of how brave she was in doing that. Because when she told everyone, she didn't know what would happen. For all she knew, she might have lost her job, she might never have been able to work in the Presbyterian church again, she might not have been on speaking terms with her dad, anything could have happened, and she had no idea how it would turn out. But she just did it anyways. And because of that, she is the bravest, strongest, most incredible person I know. I truly admire her every day for having the strength to step forward and tell the world, 'This is who I am.' And I hope that one day, when it's the right time, everyone of us has the courage to do the same thing." Thunderous applause.

In the words of Tyler Oakley, a source of endless wisdom and inspiration, "National Coming Out Day signifies a moment when we can take some time to appreciate the courage and the braveness that it takes to truly be yourself, no matter what 'yourself' may be." I couldn't have said it better any other way. That is exactly what coming out means to me. And I know that it's a terrifying, difficult, thing for a lot of people to do. And no one should be pressured into doing it before they are ready. But I truly do hope that one day everyone has the strength and support to do it, because it is such an empowering thing to do. It will be a truly wonderful day when everyone in the world feels confident and supported enough to proudly tell the world who they are without being afraid of the ramifications, because everyone has the right to be proud of who they are, and no one can take that right away from another person. Ever.